Yesterday Ethan was sent home from school again. This is a pretty common occurrence around here. As I was standing there in the principles office and Ethan tried explaining to the principle and I why he acted out I made the realization that even though Ethan can hear and speak and see he can't communicate. Whenever I would ask him why he got angry, or why he tried to run away (his new thing, which is completely frightening) or why he tried to hurt his teacher he would respond that his heart stops working after long school. When I explained to him that if his heart stopped working he would be dead he said when he gets angry his heart slows down. He also said that his brain doesn't work when he goes to school and makes him angry. Then he said "there's something wrong with my brain." He's starting to realize he's different. It was then that I realized how much of a problem he really has. It was then that I realized I really have no idea what is going on inside of his brain and he has no way to express it to me. That is so completely heart breaking for me. He tries and tries and tries to communicate but I have no idea what he's trying to say. I don't know why school makes him so upset. I don't know why he gets so angry and frustrated. I just want to help him but I don't know how. I have no point of reference. I can't identify because I have no idea how his little brain works and he just can't express it to me in ways I understand.
I don''t think I've ever known such sadness. I didn't know it was possible.
6 comments:
Oh, honey. I am so so sorry. How hard and sad. I just feel so broken-hearted that you are going through this pain. I understand, as a mom, that it must be harder than you can express; that the feelings are deeper than you can write. I just want to hug you. I love you so much. I can pray even harder for you, for him, for the teachers, for the doctors. For something to give him a voice.
Please remember, though, that this doesn't mean you don't know him. You know who he is.
I can't say anything as wise as Jennifer about the situation. Just know that a lot of people pray for you. You are a fantastic mother.
It's like their brains are in a glass box- I know they work, but it feels like nothing goes in or comes out. I wish I had the answer. I just want to give you the biggest hug ever right now! I've been pretty bummed lately about not having my friend Natalee with me- to deal with these boys, to sew with, to garage sale with!! MAN I miss you. I love you tons!
Prayers for you and your sweet trying-hard boy. You are one awesome mom.
Oh Natalee, I wish I knew what to say that would take away that sadness. I have experienced a bit of this when Alex was younger, and couldn't communicate at all, and would throw huge fits, and I had no why or what I could do to help him. Thankfully, that has all changed now that he is almost 14 (but who can explain the teenage mind anyway ;) ) I know that it is different with Ethan, but I do understand a bit of the sadness and frustration that you can't communicate with your own child. I am so sorry! How frustrating and sad for both of you.
All I can say is that, even when you can't get into his head, remember that the Lord can and does. The lord knows and loves Ethan. Teach Ethan to pray, in whatever way he can. Teach him that he can always communicate with the Lord, and it will always come through crystal clear to Him. Then keep praying yourself that the Lord can enlighten you about what Ethan needs, feels, thinks. Ask the Lord for the gift of the interpretation of tongues. The Holy Spirit has often acted as an interpreter for people who speak different languages, and he can surely interpret between a mother and her own child.
Wish I could do more!
I love you SO MUCH!
He sounds high funcioning to me. Does he do social stories in tutoring sessions? Does he have a full time shadow? If he is overly stimmulated and acting out gets him out of that situation then he is getting pos rienforcement for the bad behaviour. This should be odvious for the teacher. Mom said that you might get a weighted vest for him. a couple of the kids I worked with used those and it helped them alot. I know another kid had a strict diet change and it worked for him. But an experienced teacher and shadow should know all this. He souldn't be sent home so often. We love you guys!
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