Worry-free day

**Disclaimer** Before you read this post I would to explain that though I go into depth about Ethans issues, more than I ever have before, I am doing it in order to explain rather to degrade him. I love and feel honored to be his mom and wouldn't have it any other way. I feel so blessed to have him in my life. I also feel though that the more open and honest I am about his issues the better, for him, me and everyone else.

Ever since Ethan was born I have been worrying about him. He screamed constantly for the first four months of his life. He was delayed in everything, Crawling, walking, talking, potty training etc. For years he wanted me to hold him all the time. Then came the uncontrollable tantrums, which included biting, screaming, kicking, hitting scratching, throwing, shoving. He would have multiple ones everyday. If I ever told him no he would go crazy. Unfortunately I am the type of mom who is always saying no so tantrums were a constant. I think the poor kid spent two years in time out. Then there are the issues with avoiding eye contact and not saying I love you (which he just recently started to say). he also has problems with loud noise. If it is too noisy he cries uncontrollably. He can't handle a crowded noisy room and sleeps with a fan blowing right next to his ears every night. He said he needs the fan on to keep the monsters away. He has poor motor skills. He can't handle change of any kind. He even enters and exits the kitchen the same way every day. He has zero social skills. He either completely ignores you or smothers you. His speech is a mess. In some areas of speech he is delayed and in other areas he is ahead.

There is a neighbor boy who is the same age as Ethan and he comes over to play with Lorin. He is so different than Ethan. When Ethan and this other little boy are together it just amplifies to me all of Ethan's issues. They are in two totally different places. They can't even communicate with each other.

So with all of this I have been worrying about Ethan constantly. The same questions always nagged me "what is wrong with Ethan? Is there something wrong? What am I doing wrong? What does he need? What is it that I'm not giving him?" Whenever I was at the doctor and brought up an issue you or two I would either get "Oh, that's normal." Or "Oh, he's a boy." Then last summer we went on a long extended trip to California and Utah visiting friends and family. Everyone kept saying things like "Ethan doesn't talk much", "I don't think he likes me", "Why does he do that?" and my favorite "what's wrong with him?" (usually from little kids, not adults.) None of these statements or questions bothered me because, well, I was pretty much used to them. I'd been getting them since he was little. I think the trip to Disneyland was the eye-opener. He loved it but at the same time it was crowded and noisy. He seemed anxiety stricken all day long. He walked around the entire day with his hands covering his ears. It's hard to explain but a part of him was in hog heaven and another part of him was scared to death. I remember my mom even pulled me aside and said that she really thought there was something wrong. It was then that I knew I wasn't imagining things.

So now that he has started school I am experiencing a whole new kind of worry. And my worrying has not been in vain because he has had serious problems just as I had expected.
Today however I had an unexpected vacation from the worry. I had been fasting for Ethan (as usual) and toward the end of the fast I realized that I was not worried about him. I got about a 24 hour reprieve. AWESOME!!! It wasn't even like I was having and exceptionally spiritual day. In fact I ended up missing church because Ethan had a horrible ear ache (which is very rare for that kid.) Of course now that the fast is over I am back to worrying full speed ahead. But I really felt the Lord loves Ethan even more than I do which is hard to imagine but it's true. He knows what he is doing. Which is good because I don't.

I know I started this post with a list of all of Ethan's problems but he really is a fantastic child. I wouldn't have him any other way. Sure things have been really tough, but they've also been really great. When ever he grows or changes or gets better at something our joy just seems endless. He isn't difficult all the time. In fact he is very endearing. In fact he is very easy a lot of the time because he likes to be by himself. When he likes you he really likes you. You become the coolest person ever. When I go to pick him up from school he starts to scream with happiness. He has a persistent smile. And though he isn't a hugger he is very affectionate. He loves to be held, he loves to touch you or lean up against you. He is very intelligent and says things like "My brain is telling me I need to eat." He loves all holidays. I have never seen any child love the holidays as much as he does. I think one of the greatest things about Ethan is he is starting to realize that he has some special struggles that maybe aren't so hard for other people and he really wants to be good and he sees himself as good. He loves all good guys and super heroes (especially Luke Skywalker, and Jesus). He wants to be good and help others. When he grows up he either wants to be Superman or a teacher. In general Ethan is a funny, inquisitive, loving, smart kid. I am really thankful for him and I know that being his mom has made me a better person. I think the biggest lesson I've learned is that you have to be your child's advocate because no one else is. I have also learned extreme patience especially with kids who have a hard time sitting still our who act out. I also have felt an immense amount of love and my faith has grown immensely. Blessings and trials are the same.