I've just been feeling lately like I want to wake up tomorrow and not have to deal with my life. I need a vacation. More than a vacation because when you go on vacation you still have to worry about kids, family, money, etc. I want to be five years old. I want to be in kindergarten again. I want to color and play in the sand box and be rewarded with goldfish crackers (I still love them.) Unfortunately those days are over. I have to deal with my life now. I just don't feel like I have the strength to deal with everything. Not that my life is bad. I am blessed beyond comprehension. Sometimes blessings are stressful, worrisome, and depressing. Some times it takes everything you have to even survive those blessings. Sometimes blessings and trials are the exact same thing. But I guess it is those blessing that are most vital to your eternal well-being.
With Gary in school, Ethan's problems (which can be the subject of it's very own blog, mothering three children, a leaky bathroom, not having insurance, not having money, living somewhere i don't particularly love etc. etc. etc. I find myself withdrawing. That is what I do when I'm really feeling overwhelmed. Something has got to go and that is my relationships with other people. I build these big walls and keep everyone at arms reach. It doesn't help that I am already quiet and private (at least I was until this blog). when I am in a large group I would rather just listen and be in awe of people who are witty, funny, and entertaining (Grover girls.) So I have a problem Because I think the next four years will be some of the most blessed/trying years of my life and I am so disconnected and far away from my friends and loved ones. I don't even want to make friends here because I've got too much other stuff to worry about but if I have an emergency or need someone to watch the kids or just someone to hang out with I really don't have any options right now. It's during those moments I realize how totally alone I am and I have got to start making some connections. I need other people. Besides I am developing a strong and unhealthy emotional attachment to my sewing machine (I already had an emotional attachment, that is unavoidable, now it's just getting out of hand. Who needs friends when you can make fabulous clothes?)
6 comments:
I've been this way. (Remind me to tell you about my summer at college.) Even the (seemingly) witty, funny ones throw up the walls. My personal wall is seeming witty and funny. People tend to leave you alone when you seem so jolly ;) Too bad distance really does make a difference between good friends. Just hanging out, the greatest part of friendship in my book, cannot be. I am praying that someone digs a hole under or scales over the wall and attacks you with love so that, even when you sit there without talking, you can feel connected. I LOVE YOU.
Nat,
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN! I just finished a cry fest on my couch so sorry for any typos I can't see through my still-blurry eyeballs. Not a little boo-hoo-ing either. There was some weeping, wailing, ugly crying goin' on! I have my own issues and that could be it's own blog as well. You are so right about how our trials and blessings are one and the same at times. I was just telling someone the other day about spina bifida. They said ,"what is spina bifida?' and before giving them my standard answer, ("It's when the spine on a baby in utero fails to close and while they surgically close it at birth those nerves are damaged and forever will be resulting in partial paralysis, a need for a shunt, bladder and bowel issues for life and learning and development challenges.") I thought to myself-- "It is the source of my most exquisite sorrow and also my most exquisite joy." Sometimes life kicks my butt and sometimes I triumph. Since you are on one of those days (which could turn into weeks as you probably well know) when your butt is feelin' kicked, just remember, somebody in Texas loves you--probably more than you'll ever know. And be grateful that sewing machines have zero calories! My affairs are usually with chocolate! I love you so much.
Liz
Thank you so much guys. That was exactly what I needed to hear. I am so thankful for both of you. I love you guys.
Oh Natalee,
You have no idea how I wish we could live closer to each other. It think about you constantly and there is always a prayer in my heart for you and your sweet family. I feel like I call and pester you too much, but I just can't stand to let more than a day or two go by without talking to you. I love you!
Nat, I feel your pain, I swear that's why I spent so many happy days on Prozac. Life kept handing me change after change and I just couldn't keep up with all of them. I found my own form of therapy through writing. It sounds like your's is through sewing so keep with it, whatever helps right. At least with your therapy you get dang cute clothes out of it that fit perfectly. Seriously, I'm jealous. Ahh, the things I could do if I could sew. But on the serious side. Know that you are loved by many in many different places. I for one am so glad that I got to get back in touch with you. As my husband likes to say to me when I'm struggling. "No worries, cause there's no worries in worryville." By the way, I know what you're going through. Dave just went back to school, we have no money, and no insurance. We too are waiting on Medicaid. Gotta love the government! Sending my love from Arizona!!! (and if I was still on it, my prozac)
Oh Natalee! I feel so bad for you. You are such a wonderful person and a great friend. Try to open up a little. I know you will find some dear friends who will just love you. Four years from now you'll be so sad that you are going to have to leave those friends who helped you through these hard times. Pray to be led to those friends, then take a step toward them. I know they are there. Just do it.
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